Wow, I have issues!
On Monday I woke with a sense of Yay! I was feeling good and I was excited to attend Sam Sequeira's first meditation event that evening. The day was long and busy and before I knew it I found myself in a familiar space.....rushing. I texted her to say I was stuck in traffic and then tried not to be annoyed.
I eventually arrive, rush out of the car, yoga mat in hand and begin to look for the event - surprisingly, it is not easy to find. I stop and ask a man where it is. He looks at me like I'm crazy...I ask if he even knows Sam....nope still thinks I'm crazy. F$%*!!!!! I am at the wrong house with my yoga mat, asking a random man if he's doing the meditation. HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA!!!! Bless me. 🤦♀️
Finally I make it (next door) and rush into the already tranquil and silent room. As I navigate the 'Tetris field' of zen woman strewn across the floor I am so irritated with myself. After settling down I take some deep breaths and think...I'll never be able to connect, too much anxiety. It doesn't matter, at least I can still support Sam.😁 More deep breaths and lo and behold, I am easing into the cosmos. AT LEAST! We move through the chakras and welcome light to unblock and rejuvenate. It's fab...
Sam then instructs us to go to what ever it is that we want to clear..... I go to the most obvious thing. The subject of my recent posts...I see it clearly. At the same time I sense that there is something else. Lurking just behind my right eye. I give it less than a moments attention. “Nope“ I think, ''that's not for tonight.'' Just then I feel my guides around me. They pull that issue back into focus. As they do so I am surrounded by a feeling I know well. Fear. My next thought: ''Oh God, here we go...''
If you read I Have Just Been Handled, you will know that I hate to be told. So the session between my guides and I was more of an argument. Why? because I was on the defensive and I'm a brat. As we look upon my 'issue' they start to voice their concerns, I then do everything in my power to argue and prove them wrong - like a child.
It's time...you have to unpack this.
No, I don't want to!
You are running...
I'm fine, this is not a big deal, I have done some of this work already.
At this point my heart chakra lights up. The pressure is unreal and I am hot. Distracted by the intensity of the feeling I take a deep breath and try to get everything under control.
I am on the verge of an epic freak out.....heart rate is up, pressure on my chest increases.
I see my guides getting bigger and tower over me. Although this is all visual and I hear nothing I know that they are raising their voices.
Looking down they say ''You have to!''
Feeling attacked and intimidated - ''no, but.....'' Before I can finish the sentence they show it to me again. I take a really good look at it. Finally when I see what I have been missing, I sob!!! Movie sob in a room full of empaths. I really try to do it in silence but it is uncontrollable and I snort. 🐷 As I lay and shed litres and litres of tears I remember that I was late and so, I did none of the protection work. I quickly recite my protection ritual so as to shield the others from my mess. They would not have thanked me for sharing 😒
Battling to breath I tell them why it is so pointless. I tell them what I think will happen. I'm shouting now..... ''Can't you see it?''
Interrupted again ''Stop it! That doesn't matter and you know it! The outcome is irrelevant. You have to start. Stacey, you know this.....''
I do know it but I don't like it! ''I don't want to!'' How? I don't know what to do? Where do I start?''
And then they show me, me. We are all looking at me when they turn me into water, I disappear into a dramatic splash. ''JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.'' FFS! Could the answer be more infuriating? Amidst another metaphor for surrender- more sobbing. I came out in a hurry and as I opened my eyes I felt battered and defeated. Head hanging like a reprimanded school girl.
What did I see? An issue that I have known about but never really seen. I have alluded to it while hoping that it wasn't really there: but it was - plain as day. Yes, I have been running, avoiding it like the plague. It is huge and painful and old. Why am I so devastated? I have been chasing spirit for years now. I have made some progress and changed immensely, so when my guides have to 'hold me down' and show me something it makes me despondent. Have I learnt anything? Here I am at 36 still running like petrified child. I have to acknowledge more flaws, start more work, its like a bottomless pit.
I feel fragile and I am sooooo tired. I have looked for people to blame and in so doing, misplaced anger (that I later had to apologise for) when I am actually angry with myself. F****%%%&&&$$$K!!! This will not be easy, honestly, I don't know if I have it in me.
Its not all glum and heavy - I learnt some other things that night too:
1. During the discussion after the meditation and I realised that many of my posts (particularly B*&% Please) have been relevant to others too. Yay for confirmations!
2. Sam has lovely neighbours....really helpful guys. 😂🤣
3. The work will be continuous....there is no perfect version of me on the horizon 🙄
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