Why Can't I Flight or Freeze??
Continuing with my latest spiritual theme, 'cleaning out' I have stumbled upon even more work. At this point I feel like the most damaged person in the world. More than that, I feel like a moron. Everything I am working so hard on was pushed down BY ME. I have literally done this to my bloody-self. Fabulous.🙄
I was chatting to the amazing Sam Sequeira (no she doesn't pay me to mention her) - we were talking about addressing these issues and how exhausting and upsetting it can be. She said to me ''if you ignore it, it keeps returning, in greater intensity until you learn the lesson.'' Considering that I ignored basically everything for about 33 years.....I am not excited. F&%k...
Before we dive in:
I don't mean to drag you all through my dark dreary issues but the there is a stark truth to it. Spiritual awakening, shadow work, spirituality (whatever you want to call it) is F.O Hard. Most people imagine opening a glowing box and inside there is a note that reads, ''Dear Indigo Child, well done you have made it!!!! You are now spiritual and life will be glorious.'' Can you hear the angels singing?
In reality, the box is labelled ''Pandora's'' and if you are brave (or stupid enough) to open it you will find that the note reads ''Hold on tight, it's going to be F*@king crazy'' all while ACDC's ''Welcome to Jungle'' plays in the background. 😬
My latest learning curve came disguised as stress and I fell farther and farther into it as I started to see the underlying lesson. Currently, I am worried about many things, there is so much going on and even though my confidence and self love has increased 10 fold, my sinister saboteur is equally as committed and working harder than ever to throw me off.
Last night after a long day at work, I was bombarded with yet another thing. Another hurdle to jump on an empty tank. Before I knew it I was in FULL fight or flight. Although it has been a while, I have been here many times before. Chest is tight, hot as hell and furious. This is the intersection of choice. Fight, flight or freeze. I wish I could tell you that I pondered the choices. I wish I could tell you that I make a list of pros and cons and then decide. Unfortunately I do not - I don't give it a moment's thought. Back on autopilot I take the road often trodden.....
FIGHT! I am a ticking time-bomb....a shell of tears that will explode in a cloud of shouting, hissing and sarcastic comments delivered by a toxic forked tongue. If my life were a cartoon (which I sometimes think it is) this would be the part where I turn red and smoke bellows out of my ears. Deep breaths....in and out. Suddenly I manage to step out of it. Here's the inner monologue:
FFS, why do I do this? It feels awful.
I always end up here.
I take everything as an attack on me. Stacey is always wounded.
It's to protect myself.
From what? I ponder this for a while
I always say that I hate being told.....I do - but there is more to it. I hate feeling defenseless and unprepared......
Why? Where does it come from?
Its old. FML.
Surprise, surprise, I am back in my childhood. Hold on tight...
I see it, the source of my incessant need to defend, be prepared, have an answer ready, always.
I am about 5, maybe 6. My mop of black hair is loose and irritating me. I am ''helluva'' cute. Pretty face, gorge hair, sassy AF. And round. Podgy little thing, but I'm working it. From there I am riding a wave of memories. Memories of being teased about my weight. Relentlessly, over and over. Kids are mean, I know but I am hurt again and again. As I watch this episode unfold, I know that they are all just children, but I am wounded every single time. Eventually, as the years go by, I start to defend myself. With my new found forked tongue. It's all a shield. The more I hurt the worse my retaliation is. Mind is quick and I always have the last word, It really does look like nothing gets to me. I'm convincing.
Fast forward a few years and I see myself at school. Another little girl has said something to me, though I don't remember what it was, I turn around and deliver a potent 'Stacey snap.' I will never forget the look on her face. She was hurt. I did it, I hurt her, I know the feeling, I am a terrible person. I remember thinking. ''I can't do this anymore.'' From that day on I tried really hard not to hurt people. Sure I fell off the wagon occasionally, but I tried. So instead of lashing out, I absorbed. The lesser of two evils. We all know where that led me. It seems that the notion of 'balance' eluded me even then.
The reason I’m seeing all of this is because I cannot live the life I’m chasing if I’m going to let my defensive wounds take the wheel. Don Ruiz would say, ''don’t take anything personally'', the fact is, before he finished that sentence I would have made about seven assumptions and done my best to be right, invulnerable and in control.
I don't think he would bother telling me to be impeccable with my word! 😂😂😂 Even though I have read The Four Agreements and I believe in them, I am not consciously living them. I am armed with a powerful arsenal of theory but when the it comes to the battle I drop my weapons and run. Meh.
I'm not a child anymore. There is no need for all of these defensive maneuvers. I strive to be better.
Today's Lesson: Be Brave, Be Conscious, Practice What you Preach.