Updated: Jul 29, 2021
This weekend I was in unusual territory....I had nothing to say. 😱😱 Nothing to write about. This is literally the very first time this happened to me - ever.
It actually gave me anxiety. Something must be wrong. As usual, I looked for the answers in meditation. Nothing....no messages from my guides, no profound epiphanies, no solutions. I tried a couple of times. All the usual energies are there but alas, no answers. Not even the wolf had anything to tell me or show me. I was really worried. Negativity made a brief appearance... ''How can you write a blog if you have nothing to say? Haaaa, haaaa ridiculous!'' I ignored it. But still, I was stumped and a little bummed by all of it.
Sunday morning. I wake, fight with the staffies for some blanket and roll onto my back. As I stare at the ceiling I received the epiphany I have been searching for. It had been staring me in the face for ages but my eyes, (conditioned by fight or flight and a go, go, go attitude) could not see it. If you scroll through my posts of late you will note how hard I have been working on myself, on my spirit, my work, my buried demons and my health. It has been fun. By fun I mean: crazy, heartbreaking, rewarding, enlightening and exhausting! From the 28th of March when I posted There is Something Seriously F@£king Wrong With Me, it has been one thing after the other. A progression of stressors and drama that finally climaxed at Why Cant I Flight or Freeze? With the falling action leading to my discovering Who I Am When I'm Alone, this epiphany seems like the appropriate (if not obvious) resolution.
What is it that eluded me until the wee hours of Sunday morning? CONTENTMENT. It is not that I had nothing to say, but rather that I had nothing to fight, to face, to overcome or complete. It's sad that I found it so disconcerting.
For some reason I just couldn't enjoy the peace. Couldn't be present and lean into it. In the absence of a mission, I am lost.
Of course the work on self will continue until death but this is a break. I don't know what is next, but until then, I'm just going to do nothing and enjoy the rest of my day. It's high time I learnt how.
Haaaa haaa, the blog lives on...😜