Updated: Nov 30, 2021
It is no secret that I am not patient. It is the biggest challenge of my latest incarnation. That being said, I am better at it, still, I want what I want when I want it. 🤦🏻♀️This, very old shortcoming led to me getting stuck in a loop. The ‘WTF am I doing with my life?’ loop. I have been here before, but every time is a slightly different.
My latest rotations were brought about by a sense of waste. Wasted time, wasted energy, wasted potential. I feel as though I have made some seriously flavourful changes to my life, but I’m still living the same vanilla existence. What am I actually chasing? Duality, spirituality, integrity, and mystery! There is an incongruency between what I want and what I’m doing? It feels disingenuous and it annoys me terribly.
If I think about Jason, Sam and Ingrid I see people who know what they are doing. They have a direction. They know where they fit in the cosmic plan. They are high-vibing, contributing members of the cosmos. I am green AF! I realise that this is like learning a few chords and then comparing yourself to Mozart, but I want to know where I fit. I want to do what I say. Yes, I read tarot for people, I’ve helped some connect to others (in various places) and I have a deep yearning to help in general, but I can’t possibly be a healer. The ‘me’ of late doesn’t like people…at all! Haaaa haaa!😂 I checked in with Lilith, (Ezekiel is gone) she only speaks to me when she feels like it, for the most part she gives me images and varying looks and eyebrows. Her response is a look up at me from under a serious brow. She does this when I’m worrying about (what she considers) nonsense. Meh….
So how did I come out of this perpetual conundrum? I went to a party. Yes, it really was that simple. It brought into focus how far I have come, how much I have changed. Me before awakening was basically a wounded mole. The differences are quite amazing.
1. I went.
Ha haaa!😁 The old me would NEVER HAVE GONE TO A PARTY ALONE! Especially when I didn’t know many people.
2. I happily exchange energy.
I still don’t do small talk – but once you learn to vibe with people you don’t really have to. I met amazing people and laughed – for most of the night. The old me was guarded and stand offish. Most people were afraid of me.
3. I don’t care.
I dance and speak loudly and go about my business. Old me was quiet and ‘watching people’ which was code for ‘hiding, please leave me alone.’
4. I walked across glass and fire!!!
Omg what a lesson in mind over matter!!! Ok, full disclosure – a tiny part of the old me made an appearance. I looked at all the skinny people breezing across the glass and thought ‘’OMG, they are obviously just not heavy enough, you can’t even hear the glass crack under them.’’ Appalled by the crap I was saying to myself, I went for it! It was incredible. With my comfort zone already bruised and battered I walked across fire too. 🔥🔥 Yeeesss man!! The old me would have left already and labelled the participants as crazy hippies! 🤣🤣
5. I’m kind to me.
When someone told me that I’m sexy AF, my inner dialogue was ‘’ I knooooowwwww.’’ 😂😂 This is not ego, but it is a bloody miracle. The old me was so exceedingly mean to me.
So, I’m still not sure where I fit in the cosmos, but heelllls beeeellls, I have come a loooong way!! And I am grateful. So, I’m not cut out to be a healer, that’s OK. If I can teach my boys to love them selves and be open to new experiences, then I’m happy with that! I’ll just have to wait and see where I land up. Maybe I’ll do tarot and energy work for animals. I like animals😉 Keep you posted!
Huge thanks to Renier Horne and his team from Fire Walking Africa!! What an amazing experience❤💥