Who am I when I’m alone?

The concept of self-love is one that is easy to talk about. We all say that we love ourselves. Maybe we do, but the question is: Do we show ourselves love? I have been so busy and more stressed than I’d like so, as a remedy -I tried something new!

I booked a weekend away – for me. Just me, all alone. Honestly, it took me about half an hour to click ‘book.’ It felt strange and selfish – why would I go away without my family? I have left my children once. They were very little, and I was a bridesmaid at a wedding in the Kruger Park….in December. Malaria for days, I had no choice but to leave them with my aunt. They loved it, everyone lived but still, I haven’t done it since. So, it was a date! Me, the bush, and the full moon…Yessssss! 🌕 Exciting. Also, only about 50 minutes away from my babies.

Upon my arrival at Zebra Country Lodge I admire the mountain views and smell the clean air. Something about the scenery wills me to calm the ‘F’ down and go with the flow. Habitually as I arrive, I find myself looking at all the activities the boys would enjoy. After unpacking my things, I sat on the bed and thought…. now what?

I have forgotten how to be alone! If I’m not mothering or leading, I’m at a loss. Meh. Off to the bar! I ask the lovely lady if she can make a frozen margarita. She says yes! As I sit and admire the gorgeous view over the lake, I try to remember what I used to do. What brings me joy? (Besides margaritas) I take a sip against the backdrop of bliss and realise that she has put in so much tequila that I don’t know whether to dance or cry. Good lord!!! Ha ha, I just drank it. 🍸

That night at dinner I journaled furiously in between bites and sips and I really began to enjoy my own company. Most people who know me don’t know this, but I LOVE TO BE SILENT! (I’m the mom at the soccer days who says nothing because she doesn’t want to and makes all the other moms uncomfortable) The other guests are all regarding me carefully, as if there questions are running across their foreheads…. Who is she? Why is she alone? What is she writing? Ha ha, the answers…. nobody, because she wants to be, everything!

The next morning, I am feeling amazing. Had a good meditation and slept well. After a pedicure -in silence – I embarked on a hike. I am told there is no need for a guide as there are no predators on the grounds. ‘’Fabulous!’’ I think and then I am given only one instruction. ‘’Just keep and eye out for puff adders and spitting cobras……….’’ WTF??? I gulp and get on with it. This is when all the magic happened:

1. As I trek (loudly so the snakes know I’m coming), I am acutely tuned in to the lack of silence. Animals, insects, wind…nature is loud, we just don’t keep quiet for long enough to notice.

2. Every creature I encounter no matter the size belongs here. I am the outsider, a blemish on an otherwise perfect scene.

3. With everything here contributing to the ecosystem and me not contributing to anything…. I feel so tiny. All around me the bigger picture is at work.

4. Everything I worry over is ‘changeable’ and menial. It will have no effect on the bigger picture.

5. I randomly start speaking aloud to my main guide. No, he does not actually answer but I know he hears me. Soon enough I am chatting to all my dead people. Ha ha, 😂😂 at this point I’m sure the snakes would not bite me for fear of catching my crazy!!! But how beautiful and comforting it was to talk to them.

6. A family of warthogs thought nothing of me and didn’t budge as I approached. Until I reached about a meter away, then they grunted and ran and kicked up dust. I shrieked in fright and almost had a bloody heart attack!!! Even though I'm hiking through the wilderness I still check to see if anyone saw. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Dinner and more journaling, everyone is used to me tonight, only the manager comes to ask if I’m writing a book. Ha ha.😂😂 Later, I sat around a fire in the boma. Reading my book while bathing in the Scorpio full moon’s glow. Of course, I would have danced naked, but I couldn’t because -mosquitoes.😉 To finish up I pull some cards, meditate and sleep like the dead.

Today after breakfast I am relaxed, recharged, and excited to see my boys. The combination of a break and the full moon have highlighted what I need to work on, where I want to go and what I want to change. I am hyper aware of how tiny I am in the cosmos and but still I aspire to leave a positive mark - A successful trip!!!!

This is a beautiful place to write and I’m feeling quite zen. Still, it pains me to confirm a proverb – You cannot give from an empty cup. Love yourself enough to fill up. The world will not stop spinning if you take a few days for yourself!

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