Surviving June.
I recently felt that I have had nothing to say, nothing to write. It sits in total incongruency with the onslaught of feelings, realisations and madness that have been propelled into the limelight. June. I blame June.
For those abreast of the stars the moon, Schumann resonance and the notion of universal vibrations, June’s energy was a disastrous shit-show. Forced to face the oldest, hardest, and worst parts of myself. Trying to carry on, to function despite the vibrational sense of urgency and the heightened feels.
So determined was the 6th month, that even those who do not identify as ‘bat-shit crazy’, hippies or spiritual -per say, could feel it too. I did more Tarot readings and answered more "I don’t know what’s going on, but..." calls in June than ever before. Everyone was feeling it and suffering (yes know it’s a strong verb) under it. Breakups, heartbreak, betrayal, feeling isolated and alone, searching for the impending doom, being eternally lost, and seeing that the source of our biggest discomfort was in fact, tiny and simple truths that we refused to accept. I can only personify June as a woman scorned, she did not discriminate, and she took no prisoners.
For me, amplified-everything meant accidentally accessing another’s energy and channeling her devastation. It fed straight into mine and caused a hurricane of pity, hurt and anger. I went on to deliver some brutal tongue lashings and although I was honest and felt in integrity, when Jolly July’s energy allowed me up for air, I had to face the fact that none of it was my business. Yes, I’m loyal and protective, still I paved the road with my good intentions, even though I know exactly where it leads.
Every time I begged for help in meditation, the same vision. Me, broken, lost and tired. And then the light, it sweeps through me and as it does so, I am reduced to what I can only liken to pixels. Millions and millions of them aglow in the wider cosmos. It was vivid. Even though I work to stay in the light I had to wonder if it was a depiction of destruction.
The space I was in meant that I found the idea of destruction far more relatable than love and light. A reverse -hippie. Fortunately, the light moved back through me and each pixel was put back into place, until I was whole – and different. Immediately asking my guides if they’re showing me a rebirth, they replied with one word. “Dismantling”. Again, and again the same vision and the same word.
Tired and shook, I began to remember ignorance as bliss. I longed for the “happy” autopilot that trudged on no matter what, I longed to be fine. I didn’t journal a single word, never read my own cards, couldn’t be bothered to reiki myself, barely meditated and gave my guides the cold shoulder. Physically, I barley trained, ate rubbish, drank rubbish, felt rubbish. Yes, fine indeed… I still took calls, gave advice and read for people. Shame, it was hectic, and they needed help. Give, give, give.
Remaining ruthless, June was unbothered my spiritual boycott, she continued to add to the turmoil. I managed to carry on like that for another week. Eventually feeling so desperate and alone, I wondered if I had slipped into a depression. I reached out to another far more bat-shit crazy, beautiful friend and spiritual supervisor. Sam and I spoke for ages and related our June war stories. Each understanding the others pain and confusion. My guides (obviously tired of being ignored) were loud and concise. Two startling messages.
1. You have no business healing or helping others right now. WHY DO YOU THINK YOURE SO TIRED? WHY DO YOU THINK YOU FEEL THIS WAY? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Heal yourself!!!
2.You already know the truth of this. ACCEPT. Or keep coming around to the same old place for the same old shit.
OMG. Shots fired. 😲
Why am I chronicling a chapter I should be trying to forget? Because I almost threw in the spiritual towel. So battered and humiliated by the halfway mark of 2022, that I pondered relinquishing the biggest and truest part of my being. (As if I could). If I were a car engine and I had broken down, a mechanic would certainly dismantle me, find the source of the problem and work on that so that the whole can function. I’ve never known an engine to protest because the repairs were uncomfortable. Here I was, trying to write off the whole car – because I thought it easier. Same old Stacey in the same old place doing the same old shit….
Fortunately, I am breathing a little easier as we glide into Leo’s vibration, I feel renewed, to a certain extent but mainly relieved. There is still so much work to be done!!! I am excited and daunted at the same time, but the work continues. I am experiencing a deep call to commit. Just decide and go…. Shut up (not easy for me) and move. As with my great depression of 2009, I look back on all the chaos with gratitude. I can now re-personify June as a Sage. Preparing me for the next chapter.
Enthusiastic and humbled, I urge you to watch this space, I am firing up the RoadtoSpirit engine. Hermit phase is over and I’m in the vibration of healing and sharing. Which, (as always) is code for, trying, failing, laughing, crying, succeeding, learning, conceding, and maybe some accepting. 😉
