Updated: Jan 5
Let me introduce you to Stacey about 6 years ago. Polite, respectful, perfectly conditioned and draped in a family identity to which I clung out of blind loyalty. I was also a serious, ‘serial coper.‘ That is how I got through stresses and traumas. I would later, go on to discover that I had turned my feelings off as a child already. But that is another loooong post for another day.
So when spirit became uneasy with my avoidant way of life and I started to do the work, the first chakra to make itself known was -Anahata- The heart Chakra. This was when I had to learn to let the feelings in. Some to be enjoyed, some to be introduced and some to be released.
In an attempt to keep myself safe, young Stacey built prison walls to keep everything out. (thankfully, it was hard) The problem with suddenly letting it all in is that you have to take the good with bad. Acknowledging the feelings around things you pushed waaaay down. It’s a lot.
Once you feel it you start to discover who you are. What you actually think and feel about things and what you will and will not tolerate. What you believe, where you want to go, how you want to live. Honestly it’s like you get to meet yourself. In amongst the tears and sweat and love there is fascination.
So when Vishuddah- Throat Chakra- opened up the things I expressed we’re a depiction of the person I was becoming and not the person I used to be. For family and friends this was often a shock. You’ll find that not everyone understands and although you HAVE TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH you must remember that even though you are ready to peel away at your conditioning not everyone is.
There will be times when you cannot help yourself.😬
By 2019 I had done a great deal of work and reflection around my teen years and I was releasing sooo much negativity and pain. On a seemingly mundane day my mother said something - the wrong thing- and I was like a vessel possessed. I felt weird feeling of compulsion and then heat all over, literally like pressure cooker. I was vehement- also new to me- and as soon as I saw what it was that she had triggered it had fallen from my mouth. I couldn’t stop it and a part of me knew that I wasn’t meant to.
It was brutal. I watched as the gravitas of my words punched her in the chest. Simultaneously there was a sense of realization on her face. She had, had no idea.
Remorse. Instantly, I was sorry that she had been hurt. As for speaking that truth.... all I felt was catharsis. Almost a bliss. I had released a 19 year old pain that was festering and impacting my decisions and interactions. It was time to release it. Why? Because I had met myself and harboring this pain was not in conjunction with how I wanted to live.
What did I learn?
To speak my truths and stand true to the new me....trust myself and do what feels right.
Spirituality is my personal journey, it’s not a stick to beat people with. Be honest but also patient and kind.
This ‘opening’ can be really empowering and feeling as though you are living what you are feeling and saying is beautiful. But, as always it’s not all roses. I have often felt selfish, for working on myself, for seeking solitude, for speaking truths and changing.
All I can do is follow my own advice and continue to do what feels right and say what is true.