Updated: Nov 8, 2021
Divorce is a beast. We go into it with the best intentions but it stirs up huge feels. I don't believe that all the love just falls away (of course not) but, as some one who spent some years at a law firm, I know that people who made vows and said they loved each other endlessly get their goddamn gloves on and 'throw down.'
I used to judge them. Hard. But now I'm learning that they weren't foolish, mean spirited people. They were just people going through what is probably the hardest, most gut wrenching, life altering, perspective changing, mood altering break up of their lives! It is easily one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is not only admin intensive but also it is emotionally charged and that is not my favourite space.
As always there are certain ways that we can do things. Some will retreat and go quiet, others will fight to the very end. And there's me, raising my hand like an eager know-it-all and saying ''I'll take the hard way please.'' WTF. I'm trying to navigate all of this and at the same time I working relentlessly on self. Many things that upset me over the years and many things upset me in childhood. I didn't do or say much when they occurred, because I blocked the resulting emotions. Now while I have all of this going on, my subconscious and I are finding, acknowledging and processing a great many things. It all sounds soooo healthy!!! Well its not, it's a shit show!!! I have anger sitting at the surface. So when I feel overwhelmed, or triggered or sad, or stressed (or anything really) it comes out with a vehemence that shocks the shit out of me!
I have been laying peoples shit bare!! Accidentally using my forked tongue, defensive, and sad. Overwhelmingly sad. Friday saw the last appearance of my angry inner troll. I was sucked in and in response - delivered a venomous assault. Afterwards I broke down and entered what I am now calling a 'micro-depression.'
All the usual suspects were there. Shame, guilt, guilt, guilt, and guilt. Self-loathing popped in for a visit after texting self-degradation and sadness to say that my inner child was having a pity party of epic proportions and that they should come too. It was fucking awful. I'm not sure if it's that same for everyone, but I have always known where the muckiest parts of myself lived. Sometimes we even see them but out of fear, denial or sheer ignorance we explain it away or pretend we don't see it. Well this Friday, I not only saw it (clear as day) I saw how it was affecting me. How it was affecting others. Where it came from and why it such power over me.
Divorce has me in unfamiliar terrain. Now, although I try to surrender and 'flow with it', but, the emotional side of the coin had triggered me and I was instantly reset to factory settings. Trying to control everything!!!! Minimise the casualties, be ok. Be fine, just stressed but fine. A terrified little girl trying to grab hold of something, anything that would give her a sense of calm. Spiritual people often say things like keep your vibration up, happiness is a choice bah, blah, blah. I tried, but quickly realised that it would not have been spiritual but rather, spiritually bypassing. Come Friday night, I was curled up in a ball sobbing at everything I was seeing and feeling. My guides, slowly appearing from the right hand side of my mind are frozen in their tracks as I tell them fuck off because all they bring are problems! (Yeah, I did that 😬) They have said and shown me nothing since. They know I won’t listen. Saturday is the same. Dark and teary.
Sunday rolls in and the clouds lift. Am I cured? No. But I am human, and a very beautiful soul who lives in a very beautiful friend (Julia) reminded me that I have to honour the human side of me too. Every time I think I've hit the bottom, the ground gives way beneath me and I'm falling to new depths. Still, I see how necessary it is. So here I am, exposed, unprepared and at the mercy of what ever comes. It‘a not a comfortable place but that is lesson I was meant to learn. Ironically I have Adele's Easy On Me playing on a loop in my head. A ballad from my inner child to me....
It's hard, but if you find yourself in a 'micro-depression, lean into it - it will show you profound things. Tonight I will connect with source, with a grateful heart and humbled spirit. I will also appologise profusely to my guides. Because..🤦🏻♀️