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Proof and the f@*king Pudding...

I have come across so many reels, memes and videos about the hard parts of awakening. They all ring true, they are all relatable and strike varying chords with an assortment of people. I used to love those publications because they gave me what was (then) a much needed reassurance that I wasn't going crazy. The need to be alone, losing people, not caring about most of what you once considered important, laying down boundaries, to name a few. It's wonderful because we can read these texts when we are feeling at a loose end and be able to find solace or what seems to be a solution or way forward. In 2021 we are spoilt for choice with these 'guiding lights' literally at our finger tips.

Still, if all the answers are so readily available why am I not feeling appeased? I have been avoiding Lilith, ignoring intuition and I honestly cannot remember the last time I went into meditation. I knooooowwww! 😬 I consider the many possible reasons for this. I'm too busy, I'm just too tired, there's too much going on, I will get around to it. Honesty, the only responses for these can be - ''No, nope, there is not'' and ''no I wont.'' I know what it is. My intuition has basically lit a neon sign that flashes -''Running Scared''. But, here I am using my iron will to try and pretend that I'm not.

I have reached what I can only describe as a (mini) climax in my expansion and development and the next step requires action. This is the part where I review myself in great detail. This is the part where the theory class has concluded and it's time to go out on practicum. Together with determination and impatience I have brought to the surface many scars, wounds, outdated beliefs and conditioning. Although it felt like a dark ERA of the soul I have managed to emerge with a new understanding, new perspective and a new vibration. So I cannot stand with one foot on either side of the line. Half of me comfortable in the past and half desperate to reach for what I want. In Let’s Go, Go, Go!!! It’s time I wroteWhether you move to win or move to fail is not important, but the move (and the lesson) remain imperative.” That is why I am not appeased. I have to move! It always fascinates me that no matter what we go through comfort always looks sexy AF! Like an 'ex' that you just cant shake.

I have scrutinised the many nooks and crannies of myself and life and now I know what I have to do to break cycles and live differently - better. The only thing harder than acknowledging these things is altering our behaviour. I have to put the money where my mouth is. Given the size of my mouth, I'm sure you can imagine that it is no easy feat. It is scary and uncomfortable. As I type it, I feel a sense of anxiety. I mentioned in The Old Me was a Troll that I was jealous of people who seem to know where they fit In the cosmos. Well, this is why I don't share that feeling. Because I have been great at saying but not so hot at doing. In essence - Lying to myself and denying the life I claim to want. Ridiculous.

These are old, deep and personal things I'm trying to change, so its going to cause discomfort to the core. I have to do it. This is the time where I stand up and get out of my head. Today will be day one. FML.


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