Ok today's post -for the regulars- will make perfect sense. For those who are new to RoadtoSpirit, here's a crash course to get you up to speed.
I wrote in Horror movies Within that I often meet up with a huge black wolf in meditation. He has been with me over many lifetimes and brings me great solace. Oh, and sometimes he turns into man. As one does... 😉
I have also mentioned in Let's Go, Go, Go, It's Time that I consulted with the wonderful, wise and inspiring Ingrid. During that consult we spoke a great deal about my past lives. The first one we went to was, my life as Native American. Now I know that it is considered trendy to have a Native American guide, or totem or something, but I really do. I know it, without doubt and it has been confirmed on many occasions. The wolf, (when I try to figure out who how he fits in) always tells me that ''we are one.'' As Ingrid speaks, I slowly start to understand. Not only that life but pieces of this one too. He was extremely dear to me. He was also very highly ranked within the tribe. I'm trying to sound smug, but he was ranked so highly that my demise came swiftly after his - to make a statement. Not a happy ending for either of us.
This information has led to a great deal of pondering, piecing together, and understanding. Even so, when I went into meditation the other night, the events that followed caught me by surprise.
Ok, 🦇💩 alert...
After a bunch of rituals and mantras I found myself at the foot of a hill. The grass is long and soft beneath my feet. It feels silky. As I reach the top, I look out into the distance, but I can't see anything. I continue to walk down the other side of the hill and as the land plateaus I find that I am on stones. Smooth stones, but they are tedious and make the walk harder. Eventually the stones turn to pebbles and then tiny stones that give way beneath my weight. Finally I stop in a river, the water rushing past my ankles. It's cold. I know the wolf is here, but I can't see him. Walking further into the water he eventually emerges. He is in 'man form' and his black feathers break the surface before his face does. I catch myself thinking that it's a very dramatic entrance. Ha ha! 😂
As he comes up, I tell him that I know how he fits in. He says ''yes, we are one.'' (How annoying) before I know it, I am shouting at him. ''It's all because of you! You just got in the way over all these lives! It's you, it's your fault!'' I am sobbing at this point heaving in sadness and relief because I finally understand. Both physically and in the meditation, I can't breathe under the weight of the sorrow. He tries to turn back into a wolf, and I scream "No, stay here! That is not helpful!'' (OMG, I'm so extra!!) It's because of you that I shield myself! Hiding for aaalll this time! It's you.''
Now if you have ever had an argument with a man, you will know that there are few things more infuriating than one who looks at you with pity and says nothing. Just as I am about to explode, he says; ''yes, but it isn't me doing it to you, not anymore'' at this point I am confident that even men in from a past life say the wrong bloody thing. Heat in my chest, gasping for air between the sobs, anxiety, overwhelm and the added burden of him being right. All these lives later, it's me doing to me. Repeating a pattern I learnt so long ago. Fu*k!
Bawling uncontrollably, I look up at my main guides and say ''I can't''. For the first time ever, Lilith and Ezekiel seem to agree with me, instead of looking down and waiting they grab me and take me up. Eventually we stop somewhere in the cosmos and from my chest streams a grey river of dust or glitter or something like that. I can't stop it, suspended in the universe head back, chest out and hair blowing - it just flows out of me. I try to work out what it is. I perceive it to be pain. A great spiritual pain, a cosmic pain. Huge amounts of pain!
I suddenly come out and I am exhausted. Much later, after some thought and journaling, I realise that I was not releasing a cosmic pain, but rather a very old very real pain. A pain that I was running from and, in so doing, bound it to myself. I finally released an unconscious pattern. Wow. It's a good thing, but hells bells, it wasn't pleasant.
Spiritual people always talk about past lives and patterns etcetera, it doesn't have to be as much like a movie as mine was, but it's so healthy to look back and clear toxic habits or limiting beliefs. I am always astounded by the many different ways that I get in my own way and sabotage myself.
The point: You don't have to meditate and speak to wolf-men or explore past lives to do this. Whatever you believe, you owe it to yourself to dig deep and face this kind of shit. When you get to the other side it's worth it and you move a little lighter.