Updated: Apr 5, 2021
The weight of Saturday's new moon made itself known to me on Thursday already. Wired and jittery, a calling to go in and a general sense of urgency. Meh.🌔
Over the past week I have been working within a theme. Fears. Old, new, relevant and bloody ridiculous. I have lived in the comfort of fear for far too long and every time I clean it out I am truly amazed by what I find. If you follow Road to Spirit's social media, you will have noticed that the poetry and memes at the moment are all about ''living despite the fear.'' Being exposed and present and moving forward. EVEN THOUGH IT IS TERRIFYING. When I step out of it and look at it closely, I realise that I have nothing to lose.
At this point, the way I am living is already free-er, lighter more in touch and honest. The scales are tipped heavily to the side of joy. The progress is already worth it. So what fear am I still harbouring? Why does it linger? Why am I cracking under the cleansing light of the new moon? There was only one way to find out.....
I went into a meditation last night, with questions. ''What am I afraid of?'' and ''What fear is holding me back? As per usual the answers are never as clear as the questions.
OK, 🦇 💩 alert...
I found myself at an entrance (Like a tomb) I have seen it before, the last time I pushed the enormous boulder out the way I was stuck at the entrance and couldn't move. This time when I move the rock I am able to step into a wilderness. The air is close and I can smell moss. First -as always- a huge black wolf. He is always at my side. He has known me over many lifetimes. He brings me great comfort. Thankfully, I was going to need it.
We usually have 'greeting interaction' or ritual. Not tonight. We are running. At full pace, he is howling a howl that I have never heard and when I look to him for clarity I acknowledge with a sinking heart that we are not merely running, we are fleeing. I am too scared to look back. I don't need to. The wolf shows it to me. It's a cloud. Dark and fast and the more I run the more it will chase. It's mine. And I then 'I get it.' I have to face it.
I take a deep breath and turn around, I see my hair blow across my line of sight as the force of the cloud draws near me. Like a scene from Harry Potter the cloud forms a point and dives straight into my chest. I have no choice but to let it in, see it and the worst part, feel it. OMG! it is sooo unpleasant. There are fears here that I forgot about. They are written in my first journal, (the one I cannot bring myself to open) As it all whirls around inside me I wail (again)🙄 The wolf just watching me. I notice that he looks pretty calm so I just go with it. For what feels like hours, I am engulfed by all that the cloud has to show. A preview for one, of the horror movie within. 😬
A short moment of quiet and then sentence that I repeat with such ardour that I lose my breath. ''I release you.'' I knoooooooow, so lame. 🤦🏻♀️ As it is forced out I look directly at it and say, ''You are not serving me, I'm done'' With that, It is over. I come out with a sense of calm.
Honestly, I am so bloody tired of crying but it is all part of some great purge and I know I will be better for it. So I'll ride the wave, see where we go. We all have these fears, we bury them and in so doing, allow them access to our hopes and dreams. They bring nothing good, they cause chaos. Even though its hard to find and release them if we are here to become the best version of our selves we have to clean out. Today I am not running around fear free and jovial, no. I am just aware of what was in there and what it does to me. Now I am armed. I can see it, stop it and surpass it. Finding it is only step one...
To close, a quote: ''Make yourself your own personal hobby'' - Jason Wolverson
(Well , that's where I heard it.) 🤷🏻♀️
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Cover image: https://imgur.com/t/wolf/VUoWU