Grey days...
Updated: Jan 20, 2021
Everyone has their bad days. Everyone gets through them and hopefully, everyone learns from them.
Mine started yesterday. It’s a niggle, then a knowing. Something is off. As usual, I go through some affirmations, check my thinking and persevere..... by the late afternoon I knew. This is not going to be easy, it’s not going to be quick.
I went through all the motions...
Self doubt: I am busy with a new business venture and just before I sat down to sign I pulled myself through the wringer. “Can I do this?” “Am I good enough?” Etc, etc. This, if left unchecked can start a loop and you can go around and around and around. I saw it and caught it but it is hard and tiring.
Comfort: I start thinking about food that can help me feel better. Apparently my subconscious thinks that carbs are the solution- to everything🙄- Thanks to my new lifestyle choices, this is still fresh in my mind so I saw it quickly. But, I’m still amazed by how fast it happens. So, no I didn’t eat rubbish.
Withdraw: I go quiet. Thinking and contemplating but not keen on engaging. Given that I have two children this one , I cannot indulge. I force myself out and try to be as present as possible.
Irritation and exhaustion: I get so annoyed with myself. Why do I do all of this work only to end up here again? The short answer: Because I'm human. I don't want to do this again, ''I've done this work!'' That is a sentence straight from ego. Trying to protect myself so I carry on like I'm passed ''all this.'' I wanted carbs, humble pie would serve me right...🤷🏻♀️
I identified each step of my self-sabotage as it came.This all sounds amazing right? Yay! I did it, it's all good. NO!
I didn't let it trigger the usual responses. I didn't let the self doubt run, I didn't try to eat it away, and I persevered and didn't withdraw from everyone.....I've denied the behaviours I usually use to protect myself (to cope). What happens next? What is left?
I don't cope. I see it and I have to feel it. As I type I am taken back to one of the first appointments I ever had with Sam Sequeira (ridicuously talented spiritual healer) she said to me, ''make friends with it, get used to it, if you are uncomfortable you are working.'' I don't enjoy it when it happens, its hard and I resist but ultimately I know that I am growing.
I went into a meditation last night and SOBBED and SOBBED and SOBBED as I looked at it. (like hideous, mortifying movie crying.)😩 Am I miraculously all better today? Nope, but I am on the way, I am letting it out. At the end of this one I will have peeled back another layer, learnt something new. I'm not trying to make a hard thing sound wonderful. It is ‘effing‘ awful, but what matters is that I (now) love myself enough to stand and face it.
Be brave people, go in!
I know some of you are dying to know what 'it' was. Mind your business! 😂😂 It wont make sense to you anyway.💚
☎️ Sam Sequeira: 084 800 0254 - WhatsApp for appointments
