Feelings - for 'Numbies'

You may have noticed that it has been weeks since I last posted. I always want to write in integrity, so if I have nothing to say, it usually means I have something to learn. My life lessons have been hectic to say the least. I am not through the lessons, but it would seem that I have been granted a break. Time to come up for air.

The upshot is that I can now write openly and honestly about feelings. I’ve actually written about them a lot. But the truth is, everything I wrote was a watered-down version of what feelings are. Of what they do and cause. I’m not saying I hadn’t made progress, I really had. Still, although I was indeed allowing them through, I still had an element of control. Seeing, analysing, and dissecting them. It’s a slippery slope. We feel like we are so ‘in touch’ but now I see that analysis can be a form of avoidance.

Today I write as more of a feeler and less of an examiner or observer. Over the past three weeks my higher self has opened the gates and given me a crash course in feels. OMG, it has been a spectrum that ranges between WTF – I might die to WTF – this is beautiful. Can I divulge the mechanisms of the lessons? No – there are other players involved but I can impart the effect they have had on me. They are profound.

It all started with pain. Raw, unyielding and a physical assault on the body. Once I saw it and realised, I didn’t have a game plan or a way of tempering it, I let it take me. Rooted in the WTF – I might die end of the spectrum I curled up and wailed. I wailed for the tangible pain in my chest, I wailed for all the pain I ignored, I wailed because in that moment I realised that although I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel, I had to take my eyes off of it and just surrender to the agony that had been reaching for me for so long. With my gaze fixed on the light I had betrayed myself, again and again. It was gut wrenching and vicious. It evoked a confirmation of the notion that I am not superhuman. Yes, I say it, but on that day, I had to actually accept it. It was horrific.

Nestled halfway between I might die, and bliss is FML – I need help. This is where I met vulnerability. Oddly enough this was harder to accept than pain. I hate needing help, I hate needing anything really. But through the hurt I learned to speak in integrity, express the truth that I can’t control everything and that I sometimes need a hug. Yes at 37 I experienced the pleasures and comfort of a hug. Vulnerability is not easy for me, but it opens the channels for self-care. It was vulnerability that taught me how to ask for what I need, for myself and for my children. Vulnerability in a hushed and honest voice said ‘’you need help, you need to look after yourself, you need to put energy back in, YOU NEED. And that’s ok.’’ I have now accepted that no one can read my Cancerian mind and if I don’t actively give to myself and use words to explain what I need, it ain’t happening.

As if it were not overwhelming enough, next on the list was love! Oh laaaaaawd! Now I am no Keats or Bronte, I will not pretend that I can describe it. I can say that for me it feels like waves of realisation that with every crash scrape away doubts, resilience or question leaving me in confirmation of it’s power, acceptance of its existence and lost to it’s pleasures and bliss. I learned that it could hurt more than pain because it leaves you defenseless - I don’t like being at the mercy of anything. Although it terrifies you it simultaneously draws you in. I understood why it causes chaos, and more importantly: why people risk being in chaos. It is a state of being, and if you can access it, you get touch a tiny part of Nirvana. To quote my brother, who was trying to help me navigate this mess, – “that’s love. Stacey love is craziness.” Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the WTF – this is beautiful side of the spectrum.

I knoooooow. I can’t believe I typed all of that either. 👆🏻

Last of my experience with the spectrum -long before homeostasis or balance- was anger. It’s a place I have come to call WTF, WTF?!? Wow, my calm demeanor really enjoyed all the praise it got, and ego was happy to soak it up as a compliment. My calm demeanor was a bat, and I beat myself regularly. With me pouring ice water on every spark, ember or match that burned within, I smothered this vibration and presented as very together. Well, no more water. Now I express it and in so doing, have discovered deliverance. OMG it’s satisfying. It’s not all "me, me, me" though, given my speed of thought and fondness of using F*CK as an adjective for everything, my execution needs work. Self-expression and causing hurt are not co-requisites. Yes, I have to feel it, but I don’t have to give it the wheel.

So, still reeling, glowing, humbled and grateful, I need to make a point…

1. I was terrible friend as a teenager. I looked upon love-struck, confused and tormented friends and thought – OMG, make a decision. Get on with it. I am so sorry. 🤦🏻‍♀️

2. Feelings are extra. There’s no denying it. But I am so glad that I met them fully. I see why we need them and would undoubtedly have lived this life and many others until I did so.

3. You have to honour all feels. No picking and choosing. While some are obviously more enjoyable than others, they are all equally important.

4. Let your guard down fully. In a way, vulnerability stood guard at the gates to love and pain….as if to say, “only through me, you can access the others.” A wise and necessary teacher.

5. To all other ‘numbies’ - don’t block them, lean in, and absorb, (I know it’s hard) they are the gateway to a higher vibration. You’re not protecting yourself: you’re blocking your progress.

Welcome to my life: