We often hear or read sayings like, ''choose yourself'', ''stand up for you'', ''let go of what isn't serving you.'' OMG, it sounds so lovely and easy. Just don't choose what is bad for you and you will live in eternal bliss...
If only. 🙄 I have found myself feeling off lately. I tried to ignore it then I tried to meditate it away, but I was avoiding a sad truth. I have been struggling between what is good for me, what is good for others and loyalty -which as a Cancerian- is one of my more dominant traits. I decided to try and write it down in my journal....I began with ''I feel anger because....'' I FILLED THE BLOODY PAGE! 😤 FML. I had to make some changes...
Although this quest (for spirituality, health and success) is a fumbling journey and I am figuring it out as I go along, I cannot deny that I have changed, and in so doing, have amplified the voice that says... No Stacey, this is not in line with how you want to live. So what happens to that voice when it comes to people? NOTHING! it persists. NO STACEY, THIS IS NOT IN LINE WITH HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE!!!!! 🤷🏻♀️
This is how I used to operate:
After an upsetting event or any sort of upheaval.
Well he/she/they are sorry. At least. I'll just forgive and forget. It's not worth it. We are family/we have known each other for soooo long. Why throw that all away?
I know...it sounds practical and zen BUT this is what was actually happening:
I'll just pretend that it doesn't f&%$ing matter. I'll compromise my peace AGAIN to avoid conflict that upsets other people. F*£$ it, I'll choose you, you choose you and I'll just store it in my solar plexus until I get sick or explode. Its fine, I'm fine. Lets just keep it peaceful. RISE ABOVE.
Rise above!!! OMG!!! I'm like a f*%&ing hot air balloon - How far do I have to rise????? I'm about two conflicts away from being an astronaut! 👨🏾🚀 How sad. The new me is NOT OK with that shit! I will not store anything for anyone. If it doesn't serve me it has to go. People will take and take and take. I am no longer blindly loyal, I will no longer smooth things over, I will not pretend. I choose me and my solar plexus will not hold onto anger, resentment or sadness for anyone.
I cannot do inauthentic people. Be who you say you are. If you cannot do that I can't trust you, which means I will rather choose not to engage. Being Cancerian, although I am loyal when I decide, it is final and I will walk away -with swagga- and never look back. If people cannot pick a personality and run with it, I will now choose not to stick around while they figure it out. I wish them good luck in the process because being authentic is beautiful and liberating but I couldn't be arsed to put up with nonsense and juvenile drama while they're busy. Hit me up when you're done. Perhaps we can try again...
NOTE: Living in authenticity is an ongoing process that I have to consciously work towards. I always have to check in, to check myself. In juxtaposition I also have to consider that I could be a source of unrest or drama for others. If that is the case, from a space of experience I say ''I am so desperately sorry!'' I wish you well and strive to be better.
When you can choose me, I'll have your back E.V.E.R.Y S.I.N.G.L.E T.I.M.E!!!!! Until then, Arrivaderchi!!