There is a very serious theme to my posts lately. I'm vibing in the muck. Muck comprised of the many issues I have. Like all of us. Though I'm one of the few who plasters it all over the internet so that some can relate, some can feel urged to think on it, and others will think I'm crazy. (Each person having a valid and understandable reaction.) I hate the muck...
This week’s lesson hit me like a ton of bricks. I like to think that I'm quite a smart person, but I really do avoid the truth when I want to. Even if I know that it’s not good for me. Even if I know it’s staring me in the face. Even if I know that, that is how we heal. I believe that when we go through big life events the soul calls on the rest of us to reassess. Like a shake up from your higher self, compelling you to take long hard look at yourself. There are often people who will tell us to be strong and calm, that we will get through it. The misconception indoctrinating us with the belief that stoic in the face massive life events equals balanced. Still now in 2022 when we should know that we have work through it. There is no mere getting through it.
Our soul's capitilise on the oppurtunity for reassessment, they force us to readjust and grow. I always thought the remedy is to go in. See where I'm at, decide what I want? Where TF am I going? Who am I? It's always good to go in, but this week I realised that I'm not living on 3 hours sleep because I don't know who I am. I'm battling because I refused to accept who I AM NOT! It was -for lack of a better term- a complete mind f&*k and a ruthless truth.
So here it is. My muck, it's hard to share and I feel severely exposed, but it will bring perspective and catharsis. Aaaand, as always, if there is a chance that helps even one person, then it's worth it!
Have you heard of hyper-independence? Many people sport this shit show in the face adversity and shake ups. For me it goes like this. ''I don't need you. I don't need anyone, I'll mange -I always do. I'm fierce, I'll be fine!'' I know it sounds very self-help and positive but it’s actually a trauma response. Yip, another one 🤦🏻♀️ It's me looking for control and although I'm saying all of this to other people, it's me telling -no- it's me reassuring me, that I'll be ok, I don't need help, I'm heading in the right direction - Wonder Woman.
It was actually when I went in that I admitted it. I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS! Not right now. This sparked inner turmoil of the worst kind. Tears and devastation in a negative downward spiral that I thought would never end. Here is the truth. I am in a mess. Yip - skin gone awry, bags under the eyes, eat crap, frizzy hair, to hell with makeup, body in shock, cortisol junkie, hating on myself, - certified mess!!! I have lost nearly 90% of the independence that I clung to. My children are devastated and looking to me to stabilise them, and I do but I'm exhausted and they see it. It makes them nervous. Stress -like a squatter- living on my shoulders and neck constantly reminding me that my life is disaster zone. Spiritually, I am completely lost! So, I'm not really spiritual either. Not right now.
Hands on my hips I draw the deepest breath and sigh as I say “FML.” Lilith told me two weeks ago already; I have to start again. From scratch. She assured me that I can do it because I've done it before (I suspect that means in a past life) but I'm tired. I am broken.
Where to from here? The gallows to face a miserable demise. Ha ha -so dramatic! No, with this new acceptance of who I am not, comes freedom. Sans the incessant need to live up to the hyper independent, 'A-ok' version of myself I can take a breath and acknowledge that its ok to be a f$%king mess. It's not a life sentence, it’s a rite of passage, a means to an end. I'll bounce back and even though it's daunting, I feel a tiny hint of excitement. Starting over means a blank canvas... and I'm pretty f&*ing creative. 😉
I'm not the first, nor will I be the last to vibe in this place. Maybe it isn't hyper-independence for you, you could be striving to be super kind, or cool and calm. Whatever it is that you claim to be but really are not - Let it go. It's ok. It's really only you that will judge you anyway.