Updated: Feb 25, 2021
Today in meditation I saw some really interesting things. I know what they mean, I recoginse the symbols. Still, I doubt myself.
When do we learn to trust what we see? I find myself waiting for that day.... you know, the future date when everything will make sense- magically. If you have read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle you‘ll know that it‘s a future that isn’t actually coming. (No matter how hard you will it) It’s avoidance. As long as I’m waiting I don’t have to act. Ahhhh, my old friend, comfort.
What will happen on that day? I wonder. Will my meditation come with a banner across the top reading ATTENTION STACEY: this is a real message. Will my guides appear before me to assure me that I’m not completely effing mental? No. I have to start believing in me, and if I listen to Tolle, I have to start today.
One would think that if you plaster your face on the internet and write a blog, you have it all worked out. Well, nooo! This blog is a testament to my self doubt and general confusion. I will suggest that we listen to our intuition but then I doubt everything that it gives me. I will happily analyse other people’s meditations and then write my own off to imagination. (See reference mind/chakra struggle in Reassuring the Beginners)🙄 It makes no sense! How can I confirm for others while I still seek outside confirmation?
Today I saw -through some amazing imagery- that I still fear exposure/ vulnerability. It makes me sooo uncomfortable.(she says while typing a live blog) ha haaa😂 Although I am confident it doesn’t mean that I like to be seen. It doesn’t mean that I trust myself fully. And it doesn’t mean that I have my shit together. I don’t. But here we are. Me and and my mess, open to the world. In spite of the need to hide behind the walls that 'little Stacey' built for us. It's not easy.
Someone once asked me: ''Do you know that other people eat bags and bags of mushrooms to see what you see?'' 🍄🤣🤣 I rolled!!!!!! How hysterical. No, I didn't realise that, but just because I see it, doesn't mean I believe it.
Why am I telling you all of this? Take it as a suggestion of gut-spa! I have just admitted to seeing some ''shit' in meditation (and sometimes randomly during conversations) and then gone on to admit that I don't listen to or believe it.- I am feeling very exposed and open to judgement. This feeling will accost you at some point. Do it anyway. Do it now. 👊🏼