Updated: Jul 8, 2021
I have been MIA! For sixteen days, battling COVID. With sunny South Africa now in the throes of wave three, no one is safe! If I think back to waves one and two, COVID was something happening to those around me. Obviously, unamused by ignorance, wave three decided to school me - properly. Please believe me, it is a lesson I would much rather have learnt in theory. 😬
I have never been so sick. This virus forced my vegan, well exercised body into battle. Lord, what a battle it is! All I brought to the fight was exhaustion, pain and tears. COVID - unfazed by my arsenal - ploughed on. At one stage I was actively trying to leave my body, even if it meant only a moments escape from the pain. The problem was that I was so ill that I couldn't connect. It was soon after that, that I actually began to acknowledge that I might die from this virus. While I harbour no fear of death I do harbour a huge amount of FOMO!!!! I have two 'gorg' boys who need raising, and protecting, general watching!!!!!! There will be terrible little tarts breaking their hearts....I will need to speech them!!!! The thought of missing even a moment shook me to my core.
In hindsight, I was probably in no actual danger of dying but when you are so sick, in so much pain and nothing helps, you get stuck in the misery loop. I am very, very slowly beginning to recover but it will not be quick and I'm certain that my body will be reprimanded for 'overdoing it' for months to come. I've spent the better part of a fortnight stuck in my head. It was dark and relentless. As I emerge battered and bruised I have come to some serious realisations.
I still battle with gratitude: Not because I'm an ungrateful person but because I don't stop to see the blessings I enjoy! F$&k me! As I write this, I am grateful to be ALIVE!!!!!! Grateful for all the friends and family who were the most incredible support, grateful for the two little faces that call me mom. Grateful that I haven't succumbed. It makes me quite emotional.
I'm wasting time: I will definitely take more time out for gratitude. BUT.....if I had to die from this virus and my karmic council asked me ''What did you do in this incarnation?'' Looking down my answer would be... ''Not e-bloody-nough!!!!!'' That's for sure! This is not ego speaking. It's a spirit frustrated, purpose not fulfilled... a light not sufficiently shone.
Earlier this year I had dabbled in yoga. 🧘🏽♀️ You know, a couple of videos here and there. I didn't think myself an expert but I had an idea. Sam insisted I attend an actual class at the Awakenings Centre. Not only did the instructor (Marina) make my heart smile but I was completely enthralled. Holy shit, it is different in person. Flexible is not a verb that people use to describe me but I just went for it!! I felt AMAZING after that class. I was truly gobsmacked and sporting a giddy glow. Until the next morning when I awoke to an announcement that yoga was actually an epic workout! It had stealthily infiltrated an array of nooks and crannies in my body that I had (until then) thought 'unstiffable' and locked them into position. I felt 105 and I was unable to move.
Why am I telling you this? Because I could have died at 36 thinking that I knew what yoga was about. Thinking I had enjoyed its benefits. HOW MANY OTHER THINGS DO I ONLY PARTIALLY UNDERSTAND? WHAT ELSE HAVE I NOT DONE FULLY? OMG!!! 😨
I want to see, hear, say, feel, learn EVERYTHING! Not only to achieve my purpose but to shine a light on the path of experience for others too. I am going to meditate more, dive into my scars and issues, be the most spiritually charged mom I can be, and SURRENDER to whatever it is that I am to experience. No more half experiences, stupid conversations and pleasantries....Everything with gratitude. Everything with purpose.
Last night, I finally managed to connect for the for the first time in weeks. I wish I had some incredible psychedelic lesson to recount but the fact is my main guide took my hands and I sobbed. I sobbed for many reasons, I released a great deal and swam in the green hue of my new, grateful heart. Humbled by COVID and possibly renewed by the cleansing powers of the Capricorn Full Moon I have devised a list. Once I can move two metres without needing a nap, I will start checking them off, experience by experience.
The Zest List:
1. Do more yoga - obviously 🤷♀️
2. I often come across a video of a girl lying on her bed with headphones on. She is breathing and moving in such a way that she looks as though she's about to explode. Well, I'll have what she is having!!!!! (Yesss man) Breathwork course!!!!!
3. Embark on what ever adventure sparks my heart chakra. Talk about what ever makes my crown tingle and try anything that makes spirit whisper ''hmmm, could be fun.''
4. Know my worth....no settling. At all, ever.
5. Light the way!!! The floor is open to suggestions. Send me a message or email and If it sets my soul alight, I will do it for you!!! Obviously, I will report back with all the gory details and hysterical faux pas. I will happily be your guinea pig. What ever that thing is that you've wondered about or just don't have the gees to do...let me know.
6. Live in such a way that ''not e-bloody-nough'' is not my bloody answer.
Note: All suggestions within reason please....I m not about to join an Osho inspired orgy, eat a hero dose of psychedelics or lick your frogs... 🐸 Not my vibe. 😉😉
There are thousands of people battling COVID as we speak. Go into meditation and send out some healing. light a candle, say a prayer, whatever you believe. Its one helluva of a virus and any help we put out into the universe is necessary.
I received some serious healing energy from these two. Staffy love.....wouldn't have made it without them💚
Editor: Jenny Tart Heslop Spencer